Healthy Relationships Start With SELF: Self-Care Strategies Designed To Get Your Needs Met During Trying Times
It's more important than ever that we take care of ourselves and the ones closest to us. These are trying times and “pandemic fatigue” has many of us over-stressed and under-resourced, creating an underlying sense of dis-ease, hopelessness, and irritability.
I know from conversations with clients, friends, and other loved ones that this is causing tension between us and the people we care about the most, as well as an overall drop in quality of life.
But it doesn't have to be this way.
Instead of remaining in a place of stress and distress, we can be honest with ourselves and the people in our lives about how we feel and what we need and go the extra step to implement change. Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, happiness is available and accessible.
It’s in no way my intention to make light of the current circumstances. We’re living in an unprecedented time and many of our most cherished human experiences are constrained.
But if history has shown us anything, it’s that humans are resilient and have the power to find meaning and joy in even the harshest of circumstances.
A few weeks ago I found myself being short-tempered with my husband, something quite foreign to our relationship. Upon reflection, I realized that I was running on empty. With a new baby at home and so much uncertainty about the virus, my husband and I decided to quarantine completely last March. This has resulted in almost a year without a massage, gym time, brunch with friends, and zero alone time. Quite literally, ALL of my favorite self-care strategies and the ways in which I fill my proverbial cup were eliminated at the same time and I became susceptible to the negative emotions and thoughts that eat away at my ability to remain centered and in my power. Excited about the new bundle of joy in my life, I felt good for a while, but eventually the stress of running two businesses, raising our daughter without any outside help, and hardly leaving the house for almost a year caught up to me.
Anxiety, indecision, negative self-talk, and fear of the future are the early tells that I’m not adequately taking care of myself. Normally I’m able to access where I’m at at the moment and take immediate action, such as spend a day in nature with friends, go to a yoga class, or take a little extra time in the steam room after a long workout to reset and rejuvenate. However, with my chosen resources unavailable, like so many of us, instead of finding alternatives, I gritted my teeth and pushed through. However, the gritting of the teeth strategy can only work for so long before the pressure finds a way to escape, often at the peril of the ones we love the most.
All this got me thinking about relationships—both the relationships that we foster with our partners and friends and the relationships that we cultivate with ourselves. It’s also February, in which the Hallmark holiday of Valentine’s Day has many people, whether in a romantic partnership or not, thinking about love.
This month, I’ve made a commitment to focus on cultivating more self-love, specifically through taking the time to inquire about the needs of my mind, body, and soul, strategize about how to incorporate more self-care into my routine, and communicate my needs to those closest to me so they can support me in the process.
My sincere hope is that after reading this you will be inspired to do the same.
Healthy Relationships Start With Self & A Healthy Self Starts With Self-Care
Whether you’re single and looking for love or in a relationship now, remember that a healthy relationship starts with the self. How we behave toward others is almost always a reflection of how we’re feeling on the inside. By carving out time to better care for ourselves, we can actively foster feelings of joy, peace, and love. Those positive feelings guide us toward more positive thinking and taking healthy action. They also ripple outward, helping to increase feelings of closeness and connections with those we cherish the most.
If COVID-19 has shown us anything, it's how important human connection is. The health of the relationships in our life profoundly impacts our quality of life and our ability to experience authentic and lasting happiness.
One of the best ways to protect and preserve those relationships is to make sure you show up as the best version of yourself.
Below you will find a series of questions and recommendations designed to help you re-engage in self-care strategies to assure you are engaging life with a full cup, feel sufficiently resourced to meet the challenges of the time, and are enjoying this one precious life.
In order to truly take care of yourself, it's important that you connect deeply with your inner world and take the time to listen and be fiercely honest about how you feel and where you’re at right now. It's only through knowing where you are that you can honestly assess how to get to where you want to be.
Before reading further, I invite you to find a quiet space and breathe consciously for a few minutes to center yourself. You may want to light a candle, apply some essential oils, or do whatever ritual you enjoy to connect with your intuition or deep knowing. Have a journal nearby to write down what arises as you move through the rest of this content.
Self-Care Strategies To Actively Get Your Needs Met
Get Crystal Clear On Your Non-Negotiables
We all have things that we absolutely need in order to function. I call these our “non-negotiables.” These vary from person to person and often change throughout our lives. Non-negotiables can include things such as getting a certain amount of sleep, exercise, socialization, or alone time. They can also include things like adhering to a specific diet, taking your vitamins, or ensuring that your daily meditation, yoga, or spiritual practice is prioritized above all else. Essentially, your non-negotiables are those things that support you in feeling centered and grounded even (and especially) when everything around you is chaotic or falling apart.
If you’re feeling under-resourced and overly stressed, chances are that one or more of your non-negotiable needs are not getting met. Take a few minutes to reflect on those things, practices, movements, foods, etc that you MUST have in order to function well. Once you’ve jotted them down, ask yourself honestly if and where there is currently a gap in getting these—your basic, fundamental—needs met.
If you determine a non-negotiable is going unmet, you MUST make a shift immediately and do whatever it takes to honor your needs. Left unmet, your energy will continue to drain and it will become more and more challenging to build yourself back up.
It may appear that your circumstances prevent you from meeting your non-negotiables. However, I encourage you to take a step back and evaluate the values underlying your list of needs. With support and innovative thinking, there is almost always a way to get your non-negotiable needs met.
A word to the wise, if you’ve gone too long living with your important needs going unmet, you may find yourself too weak to make the changes necessary to shift this dangerous cycle. In these moments, I strongly encourage you to reach out and ask for help.
JOURNAL PROMPT:
What are your non-negotiables?
What do you need consistently to feel whole and resourced?
Rose Colored Glasses & Learning to Flip The Script
As humans, we often focus on what we don’t have, what’s missing, and those things that are not working in our lives rather than what we do have, what is working, and how much we really are getting done. We also tend to judge ourselves harshly and engage in negative self-talk. This can be all the more exaggerated during extended periods of stress or when we find ourselves under-resourced. Over time, negative thinking leads to a loss of confidence and a feeling of vulnerability that, if left unattended, can cause us to sabotage our future or lash out toward the people we love.
Instead, we must work on being more loving and gentle with ourselves. By doing such, we can weather a storm with grace and even come out stronger than before. As I often encourage my clients, be your own best advocate. Offer support during trying times. Find the bright side of a situation and “flip the script” on negative self-talk.
A recent example from my own life on how I “flipped the script” happened a few weeks ago. I caught myself being harsh with myself. It was the end of the day and I was giving myself a hard time for not accomplishing my to-do list. As many of you know I’m a new mom and actively run two businesses. I enjoy being highly productive, completing certain tasks, and taking daily action to move toward goals. Focusing on that looming to-do list with little crossed off made me feel awful. Instead of enjoying downtime with my husband, I was spiraling into a place of fear about the future. When I became consciously aware that I was doing this, I actively “flipped the script.” I gently reminded myself that my baby girl was taking a developmental leap and that most of my attention and energy that day had gone to being fully present for her. As I reflected on the moments we shared laughing and playing together, I was filled with gratitude and love. By flipping my script at that moment and focusing on what I did do, I was able to soften, become more loving and receptive and my husband, and spend the next hour sharing stories about our daughter and reflecting on how much we love spending time with her.
I invite you to think of a recent time (it might even be happening right now) when you were critical of yourself. Take a moment to flip that script, whatever it might be, and consciously try to see it through a more positive lens. Maybe, like many of us, you had big plans for 2020 that were canceled. Instead of feeling robbed or criticizing yourself for failing to achieve a goal, take a moment to reflect on what you did accomplish. Perhaps you learned something new about your priorities or experienced joy from an otherwise overlooked detail of your life. This simple act of self-kindness will help you maintain perspective and keep you excited for the days to come.
JOURNAL PROMPT:
Are there areas of your life in which you’re over-critical and could benefit from “flipping the script?”
Take a moment to reflect on what is working, what you have done, and what is good about your life.
ESSENTIAL OIL TIP:
Did you know that orange essential oil when inhaled or applied topically can immediately shift your mood? By increasing serotonin, you will feel more joyful and optimistic about the future. Feeling “better” makes it easier to flip the script and see the bright side of things.
Introduce Small Pleasures Wherever, Whenever And However You Can
We’re living through an intense time right now. Pandemic fatigue is at a high for almost everyone as the storm of it all continues to feel unrelenting. A COVID-19 survey conducted in early April found that one in three Americans felt lonely, which was up from the one in five who reported feeling lonely before the term “social distancing” meant anything to anyone.
We’re all in this pandemic storm together and, let’s face it, it's extremely challenging at times. For some, the storm might feel like light or steady rain. I know that others feel like they’re in the middle of a raging typhoon. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, acknowledge that things are different and tough right now and that it’s okay to not feel okay all of the time.
When you find yourself feeling low, be willing to treat yourself with tender loving care and introduce simple pleasures into your life wherever you can.
I recently bought myself flowers because I know it makes me smile whenever I see those rich beautiful shades. (Sustainably harvested and pesticide-free of course). Similarly, my husband and I have been making a point to take breaks from work and hug each other every few hours to assure we stay connected and to raise our serotonin levels. I also do my best to take a daily walk with my daughter, no matter how busy I am, because it does us both good to soak up vitamin D and connect with the present moment and each other.
With Valentine’s Day upon us, consider scheduling a date night with yourself or with your partner. I encourage you to treat it as an event and add a little magic. Have a dance party in your kitchen or prepare a special meal. Consider giving yourself or a loved one a massage with essential oils or pour yourself a hot, luxurious bath with candles or rose petals. And don’t be afraid to get dressed up, set the table or open a special bottle of wine.
While these efforts might seem small in the face of bigger life challenges, they add up. If you choose to embrace them fully by taking a moment to breathe in gratitude for the way they make you feel, seemingly simple things can do wonders for improving your overall mood and offer a fresh perspective on your current life experiences.
JOURNAL PROMPT:
What small activities can I do that will bring me joy in the moment?
How will taking better care of myself, by actively engaging in self-care strategies, affect my ability to care for the people I love and nurture all of my relationships, especially the one I have with myself?
Ask For Help
It's important to have resources for self-care readily available, especially during challenging times. I know that for a lot of us, myself included, many of the resources that we once depended on to maintain a healthy and regulated physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual state, aren’t currently accessible. The upside of this is that we have the chance to engage with our creativity and find new and innovative ways to get our needs met. Through these unique times, you may be inspired to shed activities that no longer serve you, be inspired to try new things, or even reorient your priorities.
However, if you find you’re struggling to get your needs met, are engaging in excessive negative self-talk and judgment, feel heightened tension in your relationships and find yourself increasingly stressed and/or depressed, it’s time to reach out for help. There is no need to try to navigate this storm on your own. Talk with your partner. Call a trusted friend or family member. Bring it to your therapist. Hire a coach.
We all need support sometimes, and it’s a form of self-care to reach out for help when you need it. Ensuring that your non-negotiable needs are being met and that you’re being kind, gentle, and flexible with yourself during these turbulent times is vital to your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual vitality. Again, we’re all in this storm together to varying degrees. And, when we’re feeling confused, overwhelmed, and under-resourced, allowing someone else to help us steer our ship can make all the difference.
JOURNAL PROMPT:
What area of your life would benefit from the support of another person? Who comes to mind? Can you reach out to them today? If not, be creative, what friend, family member, or paid ally is available now?