Life Transitions: Navigating Breakups, Hardships, And Breakthroughs With Grace
When life flips your world upside-down or throws you a curveball, it can feel overwhelming. There’s often an invitation to throw in the towel, hide under a rock or moan about it to anyone who will listen.
But, there’s also an invitation to dig in, wake up, and invite the change in. Experience has shown me time and time again that transitions—especially the ones you least anticipate—are some of the most fertile ground for personal growth and a wonderful opportunity to reinvent yourself and true the ship in the direction of your highest calling.
In what feels like a lifetime ago, I was graduating from law school, racing triathlons, training for the Olympics, and in a happy, fulfilling relationship with a wonderful man. It was 2008 and I felt confident and empowered. I had worked hard to get to this place, and I had a clear vision for my future. The sky was the limit.
And, then life happened the way it sometimes does. Within six weeks everything that I had felt so certain about less than a year before totally unraveled. I broke my arm in a cycling accident one week before the qualifying event that I had spent the previous three years training for. The accident also occurred two weeks before I was scheduled to take the bar exam, which, in retrospect, is probably why I did so well on it, but nevertheless added stress to an already critical time. I remember going on a run in the middle of it all, still wearing a cast, determined to stay at the level of conditioning I had worked so hard to attain, but instead found myself weeping, collapsed on a curb, arguing with my beloved, utterly shocked and shattered.
This was not part of the plan...
The relationship disintegrated within days of taking the bar exam, and I put myself on a plane to cry into the Meditteranean Sea before starting my professional career as an attorney.
When I returned, I tried to start actively training again, but there were shin splints and other issues that repeatedly got in the way. It was physically and emotionally devastating to lose so much in such a short period of time. To add insult to injury, our country went into a recession and the dream job that I got right out of law school, which was supposed to be focused on criminal prosecution, turned into me doing work in oil and gas, which was completely out of alignment with my values.
Suddenly, I found myself enmeshed in a life that I didn’t plan and I didn’t want. I was single and without a community. I was engaged in work projects that I morally disagreed with. And I was unable to train or even exercise at a high level—my primary emotional outlet. I was grateful to have a job as a lawyer during a time when most law firms were on a hiring freeze, but I also felt trapped. I was unhappy. I felt powerless to leave unfulfilling work because options seemed few and far between and I expected myself to succeed. I began having panic attacks. The partners at my firm were encouraging me to see a therapist and go on Prozac in an attempt to keep me at a job that I desperately wanted to leave. Nothing felt clear, and I wasn’t handling any aspect of these sudden life transitions with grace. I was fighting the current “truth” of my life because none of it was in alignment with what I innately knew to be true for me. In short, I was a mess.
It was time to realign and follow the breadcrumbs of my soul back to myself...
It took me eight years to fully mend my broken heart and integrate all the major life transitions that occurred in such rapid succession, but in the process, I learned to follow the breadcrumbs of my soul back to myself. One of the first breadcrumbs was a burning desire to move to Bail, a place I had never been and knew very little about. It took me almost four months to listen to that calling and overcome the practical objectives of my mind. After all, I needed a job and income. Gypsy-ing around was not the responsible choice.
However, in Bali, I rediscovered yoga and began a daily Ashtanga yoga practice. I started a business that was in alignment with my values. I healed my body that had become battered through so many years of aggressive training. In hindsight, Bali softened me. I began focusing more on the spiritual than the material. I was gently guided away from the masculine energy that I’d been cultivating most of my life and into the compassion, clarity, and softness of the feminine. This was one of the most challenging transformations of my life. A true death and rebirth. And, a worthy adventure and life-affirming experience.
That’s the thing. We all go through periods of time when life brings us to our knees. Whether it’s a breakup, breakdown, or even a breakthrough, life transitions can be terrifying. And, change can be scary whether it’s planned or takes us totally by surprise. Although we might not like it, and we may even fight it, change is inevitable. It's learning how to ride its fluid and sometimes forceful waves with grace that creates true resilience.
Six Tips For Navigating Life Transitions With Clarity, Connection, And Grace
Reflect.
In this modern world, life moves quickly and change happens often. Unlike our parents or grandparents, we are likely to change careers several times, have dozens of romantic partners or even multiple marriages, and we are far more mobile than ever before. This has many of us living multiple lifetimes in this one body, so it would behoove us to become experts at change. However, in the midst of a life transition, it’s common to focus on the immediacy of what is happening—on the unraveling—rather than reflecting on our lives as a whole.
If you’re resisting change, I invite you to take a step back to examine what's happening from a broader perspective. Are you living consistent with your values? Are you on track to living a life of meaning and purpose? If you can see the disruption as a gift—as a chance to reorient yourself and find your true north—it can motivate you rather than shutting you down. I believe the life we live is our greatest masterpiece, which requires stepping back and assuring that all of the elements are working together for the broader whole. Spend some time journaling or talking with someone close to you. See what arises.
Listen deeply.
As adult humans, most of us have many layers of conditioning. We have developed patterns of thinking and behaving that are so ingrained that we associate them with who and what we are, even when they’re inconsistent with our true nature. We’re also moving so fast through this thing called life that we miss those small voices coming through our bodies, hearts, and minds that are trying to guide us back to our truth. As you navigate this life transition, allow yourself time to slow down. Focus more on going inward rather than engaging with the outward. Give yourself permission to get quiet and tap into what your heart wants to tell you. This form of listening can offer profound guidance in making the subtle, consistent choices that can help you weave together the next chapter of your life.
Develop a consistent routine.
I’m a huge fan of routine. Working with a schedule—albeit a flexible one— helps me stay focused and grounded. This grounding is even more important while in a state of flux. When in the midst of life transitions, I have lived and learned that developing a consistent routine composed of healthy habits, strong boundaries and ample time for self-care is imperative. When life as we know it falls apart, if we can keep gently moving forward and remain centered and clear, we are ripe to gain the deep insight that inevitably bubbles up to the surface. Change is hard and innately disruptive. Do yourself a favor and give yourself some structure to lean on. Not only will this help you get out of bed in the morning, but it will help you stay focused on your core values and give you the confidence to make meaningful and lasting decisions.
Foster balance.
Some of us stay rigid and miss out on a lot of joy. Others follow their bliss, but then feel ungrounded and without stability in their lives. During any life transition, I invite you to examine whether your inner puer (frivolous child) or your inner despot (taskmaster) takes the reins. Instead of falling prey to the extremes of your personality, can you take this time to find more balance? Commit equally to checking things off your responsibility to-do list while weaving in fun experiences that bring joy and meaning into your life. This will bring a rhythm and pulse to your life that creates balance and momentum and helps to move you out of chaos and back into flow.
Stay curious and be brave.
In order to live an inspired life, we must be willing to take risks. When we feel excited and curious about what’s to come, it can empower us to make a change. Transition is an advantageous time to get curious about what excites us or shuts us down. Engage in a radical process of self-inquiry and explore new things. Trying new activities, as well as trying on new thoughts or perspectives, can open up possibilities and give you the energy to pursue new paths. Whether this means starting a meditation practice, learning a new sport or hobby, or embarking upon a new career, get curious about what comes up mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Write in your journal regularly and be ready to make further adjustments. Bravely step into the next version of yourself by being your own best advocate and ally for crafting a life that you truly love.
Relax and trust the process.
Keep reflecting, listening deeply, and taking care of yourself during this transitional time. Get clear on your values and goals. Do what you can to set the trajectory of your life in the direction you’d like to see it go and then relax into the uncertainty of life and trust the process. Although it’s common to feel uncomfortable and even panicked in times of big change, can you shift your perspective, drop below the noise, and see this sensation as precisely the energy you need to move into the next chapter of your life?
One final note: transformation can take time. The personal story that I shared above took me nearly eight years to fully integrate. But, within all that challenge and discomfort, I gained clarity about my soul's deepest longings and began cultivating a life of deep meaning. Transition can be uncomfortable, especially when it seems to go on and on. But, if you can learn to ride the wave, find an inner compass despite the chaos and be brave amidst the unexpected, you may sincerely enjoy the ride.